So, I did it.  I’ve been hearing about this muxtape thing and, well, I made one.

Check it out!

The results are in…




He even likes it!

I made this tape, actually, because I wanted to listen to these songs at work and I don’t have Itunes here.  But, if it makes you like me even more….

.el sway


New Words Up In This Bitch.

We at would like to extend a warm welcome to some of the new words that made the final cut in Merriam-Webster’s new Dictionary for 2008.

We are most excited about one term in particularly: FANBOY!

6. fanboy n (1919) : a boy who is an enthusiastic devotee (as of comics or movies)

Yeah we got a lot of fanboys around here.

Another interesting term added this year was: air quotes.

1. air quotes n pl (1989) : a gesture made by raising and flexing the index and middle fingers of both hands that is used to call attention to a spoken word or expression

This is in the dictionary?

Looks fun!

Some other favorites are…

7. infinity pool n (1992) : an outdoor swimming pool having an edge over which water flows into a trough but seems to flow into the horizon


20. soju n ( 1978 ) : Korean vodka distilled from rice

Crank Dat – BOY!

The surprise of the list had to be ‘mental health day.’

11. mental health day n (1971) : a day that an employee takes off from work in order to relieve stress or renew vitality

No longer do we have to lie about why we aren’t coming into work. Since it’s in the dictionary now, we all have an excuse for skipping work because we just can’t take the stress of data entry. Thanks Webster!

4. dwarf planet n (1993) : a celestial body that orbits the sun and has a spherical shape but is too small to disturb other objects from its orbit


.el sway

Just A Heads Up.


In case you weren’t aware, August 5th, 2008, is the 5th annual National Underwear Day!

What is National Underwear Day?  Well, basically pretty people walk around Times Square in their underwear showing us all how much better looking they are then the rest of us.

Last year our underwear ambassadors marched through Times Square, the most heavily-trafficked locale in New York City, modeling some of today’s hottest brands for unsuspecting — yet pleasantly surprised — shoppers, tourists and die-hard New Yorkers who thought they had ‘seen it all.’

Perfect.  Just when we thought we’ve “seen it all!”  People in there underwear walking around in Times Square????!!!!

Yeah and…


Lady, I’ve seen it all.  This surely would not mark the first time I’ve seen someone walk around Times Square in their underwear.

I was actually with some dude in the Toys ‘R Us in Times Square and he flashed a huge dinosaur and then claimed that said dinosaur bit his dick off.  True story.  Maybe he’ll blog about it someday.

The best part of the article is that apparently there is that they have a ‘credo’ for the event:

underwear should no longer be merely the first thing you put on and the last thing you take off, but the most important thing you wear all day.

Yes, tell that to this teen girl…

And these kids…

And this guy…

And him…

While I’m just as excited about National Underwear Day as the next guy, I think I’m going to spend that day in my underwear walking around Times Square.  Why?  Well, here’s the long and short of it.

Each year more and more people have looked forward to National Underwear Day – it’s grown both in popularity and size.

Erect penises.

I’m just sayin’.

.el sway

Your Tyson Gay Update.

Hey I love this stuff! Every once in a while someone with a “funny” last name comes along and makes life a little more interesting. Meet America’s fastest man – Tyson Gay.

Well, this weekend Gay came up limp (pht!!) and strained his hamstring in the Olympic qualifiers. Sad.

This is terrible news for all Track and Field fans (?) and glorious news for all male college students out there. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your Tyson Gay headline update!

“Gay MRI reveals mild strain…..” ESPN

“Gay’s family as focused as their fastest man”…

“Gay out for fortnight”….Yahoo!

“Leg cramp spoils Gay’s bid”…

“Gay predicts complete recovery”…

“Injury to Gay exposes fear.” St. Louis Post-Dispatch

“Gay to Olympic Committee: ‘Oh No You Didn’t!!!'”….NY Times

Hey, that was fun. And sure, maybe I made that last one up, but I did just get a handful of people interested in the Olympics. Cause I’m proud to be an American!

Happy Olympicing!

.el sway

3rd of July.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.  You know what that means?

Time to shoot fireworks off your dick.

God Bless America.

. el sway

Are You For Reeeaaal?

Check it out!

LONDON, England (CNN) — Britain’s Prince Charles has converted his 38-year-old Aston Martin to run on biofuel made from surplus wine, his office revealed Tuesday.

Prince Charles has gone Blanc!

Can he do that?

The car was a 21st birthday present from Queen Elizabeth, and the prince has converted it to run on 100 percent bioethanol as a way to reduce his carbon emissions, his office, Clarence House, said.

Man that is for real.

If I had a car I would not want it to run on wine.  I’ve seen those commercials where cars run on alcoholic beverages and it does not look pretty.

These teens know what I’m talking about!


Charles, 59, has a strong interest in environmental issues and rural affairs. He is active in environmental charities, and his food company, Duchy Originals, uses ingredients produced at his organic farm in Cornwall, southwestern England.

Wait, Duchy Originals?

Got it.

Well, I am sure I can add a joke in here about not taking advice on driving or fueling my car from teh Royal Family, but instead I will just get fueling advice from this Prince.

That bitch is fueled by Purple Rain… and STDs.

.el sway

Tuesdays With Jake: Dream Time.

Again, We would like you now to turn your attention to Mr. Jake Goldman as he takes you through your Tuesday afternoon.

Elongated Dream Sequence in which I seek revenge upon everyone

Note: all time is in dream time

6:06am: Dream-Alarm-Clock goes off and all seven of my ex-girlfriends are standing next to my bed. The three that cheated on me have no arms. They start singing off-key. I film it and put it on the internet and then shoot them all with paintball guns and then call all their bosses, convincing them they each cost the company millions.

6:12am: Tell girls I will get them their jobs back if they shower with me. Lead them into the shower and every porn star ever is inside getting tattoos of “Jake” on their lower back. Ex-girlfriend’s cry, porn stars laugh, I have sex everywhere.

634:14am: All of a sudden I am on a cliff and can fly

6:21am: Fly into old Professor’s house who had said “You? A writer? No.” My eyes shoot laserbeams into pictures of all of her children. Her children run out of their rooms crying and then turn into very sad eagles. Make professor walk outside with a blindfold on into traffic. Don’t stick around to see what happens.

8:15am: Day one of production begins on “Hey, Jake- You’re Great” TV show where I make nurses bathe me on live tv. Entire audience is made up of people who have ever looked at me weird. They are chained to the chairs and bleeding a lot. Haha, ha! Right.

91:07am: All of a sudden I am driving a car with my feet and Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals are playing songs the back seat. The car takes off and I land on the moon

9:09am: Every president of the United States of America is standing on the moon. All are holding signs that say “We’ve been waiting for you.” First ever football coach is also there with a saddle on his back. He begs me to ride him but I kick him with my moon foot and he flies into the atmosphere and bursts into flames. Teddy Roosevelt slaps me on the back and pours whiskey in my throat. We all laugh and get blow jobs for two days.

10:15am: Breakfast with Robert Deniro inside a whale

11:15am: Emmy / Grammy / Academy Awards ceremony. I win every award. The other nominees are anyone that’s given me the stink eye and all my gym teachers.

1:07pm: I pour a bunch of bees on that girl who peed on my powerwheels and shorted out the battery.

2:11pm: Finish laughing at pee girl.

3:11pm: Go back to parking lot where I poured bees on the pee girl

3:45pm: Haha

4:01pm: In a spaceship where everything is made of candy

701pm: That girl who dumped me the night before prom is my waitress at the Gravy Train, the diner I also own. I order the Revenge Platter. She says “please no,” I say “please yes,” and press a giant button on my table. She gets covered in fluffernutter and birds attack her and then she gets sucked into a tube which puts her on the Maury Povich Show where the topic is “Man, this girl is hideous” and she cries and everyone laughs and they are wearing shirts with my face on it.

10:31pm: I can’t believe that girl got bees on her. Even if it was a dream

Jake G.