Again, We would like you now to turn your attention to Mr. Jake Goldman as he takes you through your Tuesday afternoon.
Elongated Dream Sequence in which I seek revenge upon everyone
Note: all time is in dream time
6:06am: Dream-Alarm-Clock goes off and all seven of my ex-girlfriends are standing next to my bed. The three that cheated on me have no arms. They start singing off-key. I film it and put it on the internet and then shoot them all with paintball guns and then call all their bosses, convincing them they each cost the company millions.
6:12am: Tell girls I will get them their jobs back if they shower with me. Lead them into the shower and every porn star ever is inside getting tattoos of “Jake” on their lower back. Ex-girlfriend’s cry, porn stars laugh, I have sex everywhere.
634:14am: All of a sudden I am on a cliff and can fly
6:21am: Fly into old Professor’s house who had said “You? A writer? No.” My eyes shoot laserbeams into pictures of all of her children. Her children run out of their rooms crying and then turn into very sad eagles. Make professor walk outside with a blindfold on into traffic. Don’t stick around to see what happens.
8:15am: Day one of production begins on “Hey, Jake- You’re Great” TV show where I make nurses bathe me on live tv. Entire audience is made up of people who have ever looked at me weird. They are chained to the chairs and bleeding a lot. Haha, ha! Right.
91:07am: All of a sudden I am driving a car with my feet and Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals are playing songs the back seat. The car takes off and I land on the moon
9:09am: Every president of the United States of America is standing on the moon. All are holding signs that say “We’ve been waiting for you.” First ever football coach is also there with a saddle on his back. He begs me to ride him but I kick him with my moon foot and he flies into the atmosphere and bursts into flames. Teddy Roosevelt slaps me on the back and pours whiskey in my throat. We all laugh and get blow jobs for two days.
10:15am: Breakfast with Robert Deniro inside a whale
11:15am: Emmy / Grammy / Academy Awards ceremony. I win every award. The other nominees are anyone that’s given me the stink eye and all my gym teachers.
1:07pm: I pour a bunch of bees on that girl who peed on my powerwheels and shorted out the battery.
2:11pm: Finish laughing at pee girl.
3:11pm: Go back to parking lot where I poured bees on the pee girl
4:01pm: In a spaceship where everything is made of candy
701pm: That girl who dumped me the night before prom is my waitress at the Gravy Train, the diner I also own. I order the Revenge Platter. She says “please no,” I say “please yes,” and press a giant button on my table. She gets covered in fluffernutter and birds attack her and then she gets sucked into a tube which puts her on the Maury Povich Show where the topic is “Man, this girl is hideous” and she cries and everyone laughs and they are wearing shirts with my face on it.
10:31pm: I can’t believe that girl got bees on her. Even if it was a dream