Tuesdays With Jake: Thursday Edition.

Better late than never.  It was my fault, so I cannot blame Jake.  Or can I?  Here now is your moment of Jake.

Once, I worked a job where the only thing I did was sort mail for people with egos and then deliver it to them by hand because they couldn’t ever leave their giant important-looking phones because probably Senators and World leaders were always calling saying “You don’t play my favorite music video on this Music TV television station!” Yes, it was for a TV station.

A lot of the times these people with a lot of hair gel in their hair would try and banter with me when I delivered mail. It usually had to do with the mail. Clearly because I deliver mail it was the only thing I wanted to talk about so they had me pegged. Once I got tired of carrying a lot of my in my arms so I convinced the secretary to order me a mail cart. She caved in because I bought her all these junior mints and told her that I knew Lil’ Wayne and someday she could meet him. When I got the mail cart, the rhino faces (senior VP’s) had some really great, new conversation points. Here’s a sampling of what they said to me with my responses in italics. I never actually said these things but really wish I did because the company went under anyway.

“Check out those wheels!”

Yes, they really are wheels. Can you believe it? Can you believe they can put wheels on many things? How about I put some wheels on your vagina?


Oh, totally—when I think fancy, I think of a fucking aluminum mail cart. This thing got me reservations at that crazy French restaurant where Guy Ritchie eats can you believe it. Shove this mail up your pussy.

“Oh yeah!  We got a mail cart!”

We did! Do you know what else we got? My perpetual state of misery. That’s a pretty cool addition.

“Careful, don’t want to get a speeding ticket.”

Ha, ha! I know! Because I already raped that girl! So this would only ADD to my impending sentence, LOL!

“Can I get in?”

Yeah, that would be great. Can I dig out your eyeballs with spoons?

“What kind of mileage does that thing get?”

Good question! Why don’t you stand against that wall and I will repeatedly ram it against your body until you are unconscious. We can use that number as a measurement.

“Sure makes your job easier.”

My job would be easier if you were dead.

“Beep-Beep. Here comes the mail cart!”

That is so funny I hope you make that announcement every single day because I bet it will get better each time. Also, try some different accents. Also, can you sit on this knife I have in my pocket?

“Whoa!  Go Speed-Racer, Go!”

That is so cool using a quote from a TV show. I hope tomorrow when I wear glasses and a blonde wig you’ll be like “Party-Time, Excellent!” Because then I will take that very serious and party all over your face and play my favorite game which is called “I fucking bruise your entire face.” Does this sound good? Hey! You got your Netflix pretty early this week!

“You can fit a lot more mail in that than you could fit in your arms.”




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