We are now one week into the Major League Baseball season, which means that its an ideal time for me (Ben) to write my long-awaited National League preview.
Fortunately, I am a baseball scientist. I know how to analyze the sport, and how to make “predictions” that are, in all actuality, merely premature statements of fact. So here is my definitive account of how the Senior Circuit will shape up in 2008. Of course, “definitive” in this case means “Haiku”.
1. Philadelphia Phillies — The only Phillie/who gets more ass than Rollins/is the Phanatic
2. New York Mets — Beyond the bluster/severe case of self-loathing/who knows the Heimlich?
3. Atlanta Braves — The tomahawk chop/is reference to genocide/Braves should be wiped out
4. Washington Nationals — Hey, Look Everyone!/Mascot Presidents Racing!/Fuck you, Roosevelt
5. Florida Marlins — The entire team/makes less money than A-Rod/but they smell better
1. Milwaukee Brewers — A homegrown infield/of formidable talent/plays to drunk fan base
2. Chicago Cubs — Will this be the year?/Don’t hold your breath, Chicago/God hates the North Side
3. Cincinnati Reds – It is quite easy/to misspell Cincinnati/trust me on this one
4. Pittsburgh Pirates — last winning season/was way back in ’92/Don’t expect a change
5. Houston Astros — Killer B’s Are Gone/But new era has begun/Berkman, Bourn, and Blum
6. St. Louis Cardinals — Goal for the season/is to keep away from booze/you too, LaRussa
San Diego Padres — Easy to forget/that teams play on the West Coast/even when you’re there
Los Angeles Dodgers — Hey! Who’s that old man?/Nodding off in the dugout/Oh — It’s just Jeff Kent
Arizona Diamondbacks — The team is quite young/But Randy Johnson is ancient/juxtaposition
Colorado Rockies — No one to pray to/God died in the offseason/now they’ve got nothin’
San Francisco Giants — Void on the roster/impossible to replace/We’ll miss you, Steve Kline