Delegated Discourse: Steve Session

From time to time we like to provide proper space for our friends and favorite comics to yuck it up a little with our loyal readers. This week we give you the comedic styling of stand-up virtuoso and member of the dynamic comedy duo, Phenomomom, Mr. Steve Marcarelli. His words, after this period.

Nostradamus Predicts Lost Spoilers!!!

Both the academic and television blogospheres were rocked earlier last week when it was discovered that many of Nostradamus’s predictions may have been referencing popular ABC television series Lost. The discoveries were made when Frank Peltzer, a noted Nostradamus scholar “finally caved in” and started watching the hit series Lost on DVD.

“My friend Harry kept telling me ’Ya gotta watch Lost, ya gotta watch Lost’ and I was finally like ’Okay jeez fine let me borrow your dvds already’” said Peltzer. “It wasn’t until about five episodes in when something struck me as really familiar.” Peltzer started leafing through his copy of Nostradamus’s 1555 book Le Propheties when he came across a quote that struck an eerie chord deep within him:

To near the Lake of Geneva will it be conducted,
By the foreign maiden wishing to betray the city:
Before its murder at Augsburg the great suite,
The convict on the crashed flying machine is Kate

Peltzer explained that he always thought that particular quatrain was just one of those vague predictions that Nostradamus made that are impossible to prove one way or another. “There are a lot of them like that in there. We usually just write them off, but there it is, clear as day. I always thought maybe that line had to do with Russia’s Catherine The Great or someone like that, but was never able to make sense of it.”

As he continued to watch the show on DVD, he made even more shocking connections to the work of Nostradamus. For example:

The great Royal one of gold, augmented by brass,
The agreement broken, war opened by a young man:
People afflicted because of a lamented chief,
Pirates with fake beards will steal young Walt

And also:

Through the Attic land fountain of wisdom,
At present the rose of the world:
The bridge ruined, and its great pre-eminence
Hurley’s crazy.

“Now the one about Hurley kind of pissed me off, because I hadn’t even gotten to that flashback yet” said Peltzer, clearly upset. “I mean Nostradmus could have at least prefaced Le Propheties with a warning saying that this book contains spoilers for a TV show that won’t come out for another 500 years. Come on!”

Peltzer’s colleague and fellow Lost enthusiast Marshall Nicholson expressed similar shock. “I’d never even realized it before until Frank pointed it out to me. It really is shocking how many of his predictions came true.”

How a French philosopher from the 16th century would be able to predict plot twists in a 21st century television series remains unknown. “He predicted it all. He knew Sun spoke English. He knew Kate and Sawyer would get stuck in a polar bear cage. He knew there would be a boat and on that boat would be Michael and ’Number 5’s friend from Short Circuit”. Nicholson clenched his fist and slammed it down on the table. “Dammit, how did I not see that coming!.”

Peltzer, currently halfway through season three, can barely bring himself to continue watching the series because he already knows too much. “Nostradamus warned us ’not to get too attached to Charlie.’ What happens to Charlie? Tell me! What happens to Charlie???” he pleaded, near tears.

But what lies ahead for the future of Lost? Are we able to look to these writings and tell what happens? Nicholson points us to a telling passage from one of Nostradamus’s Almanac writings from 1563.

The great Empire will soon be desolated
And transferred to near the Ardennes:
The two bastards beheaded by the oldest one,
Ben is not as he seems

“Well, no shit Sherlock”, shouted Nicholson. “You can’t give us more details than that? Does that refer to when Locke had him in the cell? Or does it mean that even now, in the fourth season, we still don’t know everything about Ben? What if he is a good guy afterall? I mean, Nostradamus was right about Snape.”

Nicholson continues, “I’ve reread every single last word that he has written and there is not a single reference to who is in the coffin. It’s Sawyer. It has to be, right?”

nostradamushisteria.jpg

Perhaps most telling of all is Nostradamus’s final line to his final prediction, made mere hours before his passing in 1566:

Those who will have undertaken to subvert,
An unparalleled realm, powerful and invincible:
They will act through deceit, nights three to warn,
They are all in a giant snow globe

“That one had better not fucking be a reference to Lost or I’m going to lose my shit”, Nicholson screamed.

 

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