We all recall the fantastic story about our dear Ben Hill getting his Karmic Comeuppance at Eckerd. Well, I suppose it was my turn. Let’s start off with a memorable quote from a quite memorable movie, Jesus’ Son. (note: we’ll change the character names to fit the forthcoming conversation between Ben and I)
Me: [weeping] No wonder everybody calls me “Fuck-Head.”
Ben Hill: It’s a name that’s going to stick.
Me: I realize that.
Ben Hill: “Fuck-Head” is gonna ride you to your grave.
Me: I already said so, I agreed with you in advance.
This morning I was, as Ben will call me, a “Fuck-Head.” I was one of the lucky New Yorkers who fell victim to the “Broken Glasses” scam. Yes, that scam where some douchebag forces you to bump into him and when you turn around he’s crying that you knocked the glasses off of his face and broke them. Then he asks you to pay for them and you, douchebag, willingly go to an ATM and hand him $125 in cash. Fuck-head!
I know what you’re thinking: How did you fall for this? I was rushing to get to work on time and I had this gift bag in my hand for the nursing staff at Columbia Hospital –who took care of my old roommate and good friend who recently had two lungs collapse (!) — and my umbrella in the other. I turned around after I felt something hit my umbrella and this dude, bigger than me, was hunched over with his glasses on the ground. Lately I have been up for a good aggressive go-round, but not this morning. I felt terrible for what “I had done.”
So, the dude told me his glasses were $125 and he would pay for them if he were me. Well, he’s never lied to me before! So, I shook his hand and walked him to an ATM and proceeded to give him what he wanted.
A BJ and $125! Straight cash, homey.
Hey Tom? Yes, reader? How is this Karmic Comeuppance? Funny you should ask. I’m no thief. I haven’t stolen $125 from anyone. Maybe I owe Ben $147 for Mets tickets, so it’s possible someone will get $22 more out of me. But, my theory is that there is a set price on what we consider the “priceless” things in life. And I think I’ve found where my $125 has really gone.
April 15th, 1989: I threw a chalkboard eraser at Kevin B.’s head in front of the whole class. The dude spun out and left the room crying. $20 bucks.
June 3rd, 1992: My mom wrapped up sweatpants for my brother’s birthday and put my name on the gift because I didn’t get him anything. I was too busy buying Sistas With Voices CD’s for chicks I really dug. $12 dollas.
August 22nd, 1994: Knowing that Kevin M. had just finished eating a cheeseburger, I urged him to pet my German Shepard without warning him. She bit his hand. A mean bite. Sorry bro! $17 –NO! — $18 beans.
May 2nd, 1998: Jay S. was passing out in my backyard. He was da-runk! He asked me for a glass of water. I went inside and filled up a cup with vodka and told him to take a drink — “you’ll feel better.” He began to chug it and then threw up. Harsh. $25.
December 17th, 1998: While rehearsing with the band Scumdog, each time singer/guitarist Chris M. tried to tune his guitar I would press a key on my keyboard making it nearly impossible for him to tune correctly. I would do this for almost 15 minutes. Steve would go on to hate. (Note: because Steve loves me now…) $10 monies.
September 11th, 2001: While everyone else missed class that day due to that morning’s tragic events, I missed class due to the tragic events of September 10th. Beer me, bro. $30 sad ones.
July 12th, 2006: After a comedy show I spit in Ben Hill’s face. No explanation necessary. $10 bucks. He deserved it.
So, let’s see. That’s…10…5….7..8….34….. $125! The exact amount I lost this morning. I think we’re even.
Some Thoughts on this morning’s events. From friends!
Andrea: I have a solution for your pain;get $125 and look at it next to a mirror so that it looks like you have two stacks of money. this is how they help amputees deal with “phantom pain” in their missing limbs.
- Tom: want to go find him and fight him with me? Steve: he’s probably on a plane by now, tom.
- Jake: Well, i don’t think there’s much you could have done differently, honestly. I probably would have done the same thing.
- Jenn: What should I blog about? All the black men I hired this morning for the glasses scam I’m trying to run?
- Ben: But, in his own way, that dude is kind of awesome. You will come to love him, in time.
Tom: I would love the shit out of him if he did it to you. Think about it, if it was you, you’d hate him.Ben: But I’d eventually love him. Same way I love the dude who sold me a bag of literal weeds when I was in college
Please, feel free to join in the conversation. It’s fascinating.