A Comedic Dispatch From Little Neck, NY

Everyone says that newspapers are dying, and that very well may be the case. Nonetheless, I am a great fan of the print medium, and will continue to buy newspapers until I no longer have the option. Currently, I am particularly fond of my local paper, The Greenpoint Star. In addition to including lots of information that I cannot get anywhere else, each week is a treasure trove of unexpected comedy.

In this week’s issue, I am partial to a Letter to the Editor by one Mark Lane of Little Neck, NY. Lane penned a humorous missive entitled “Adventures in Grocery Shopping”, and decided to share it with the general public. In order to give Lane’s writing more exposure, I will now re-type it in full so that the Lolabrigada.com readership may enjoy it as well.

I am not doing this as some sort of snide comment on Lane’s comedic attempt. I am truly enamored with the idea of sending the editor a funny letter, and I think it’s great that the Greenpoint Star has printed it. You, the reader, are now oh-so-close to reading Lane’s latest dispatch, “Adventures in Grocery Shopping”. In fact, it is only one click away.

Dear Editor:

Doesn’t it seem that every time you know where to find an item in your local supermarket, it gets moved again? Well, it’s time for the insane, pointless, unnecessary movement of merchandise in the store you shop in to end.

You will be reaching to new heights in an attempt to procure a box of cereal or a jar of olive oil (careful there, oops), assuming you find the aisle it is in. Dora the Explorer would have an easier time tapping a tree in Vermont to find maple syrup than you will. The cans of tuna fish you wanted have swam from Oceans 11 to Oceans 12.

Someone has actually planned a major inconvenience for you so both sides of an aisle are being worked on at the same time. You’ll need to navigate a gauntlet of hazardous milkcrates and shopping carts filled with merchandise, shelves, and mounds of garbage as you enjoy your shopping adventure.

In your Hunts for ketchup, while your shopping cart knocks over an egregiously placed stack of jars of pickles or vinegar it is time to Wise up. I do believe Cocoa Puffs and Fruit (sic) Loops have exchanged their shelf positions. Is that Johnny Weissmuller on that box of Wheaties? Better check the date. Is a jar of mayonnaise going to sell better in aisle 7 than 8? I don’t think so. If you can’t find that elusive jar of low-carb peanut butter in your exasperating search, I’d say it’s time to Skippy it. Is it any Wonder Bread is so hard to find?

I must confess. I work for a national sales and marketing company and represent products you use every day. It is by no means a Snap, Crackle, and Pop job. My duties include placing products on shelves according to manufacturers’ and stores’ specifications where you can’t find them or reach them. In addition the plans my team members and I use are made up by people in other states who decide what items you can or cannot buy.

So consider  this a warning. Whether the items you seek are in the frozen, dairy, health, and beauty aide, or general merchandise departments, or just groceries for tonight’s dinner, your chances of finding them are slim. Don’t ask the store employees or manager either. Even they don’t know where the Campbells soup is hidden. Mmm…Good Luck.

Sincerely,

Mark Lane, Little Neck 

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