Oh, man. I’ve got a half-assed idea for a blog post about the Giants, and we’re already a week past the corporate-controlled chaos of Super Bowl XLII. I better get this out quick before it collapses under the weight of its own irrelevance.
So, without further ado…
A question that has been on everyone’s lips lately is “Which member of the New York Giants corresponds to which member of Lolabrigada?” I’m glad you asked, everyone. Here’s your answer:
Ben: Tight end Kevin Boss. This is because I am the undisputed leader of Lolabrigada, as well as the possessor of the tightest end. Furthermore, I was almost named “Kevin”, but my Mom changed her mind at the last minute due to fears that I would be constantly confused with one of Kentucky’s premier whisky distilleries.
Tom: Defensive end Osi Umenyiora. As anyone who knows Tom is aware, he loves to closely associate himself with other races and cultures in an attempt to transcend his boring status as a suburban white kid from Connecticut. Born in England and of Nigerian descent, Mr. Umenyiora (pronounced “human urine”, unfortunately) has racial credentials that our Mr. Lorenzo can only dream of. And trust me, he does.
Jenn: Tackle Guy Whimper. Our own Jenn Dodd is known for making the guys whimper. That’s a well-known fact around “the scene”. These are not whimpers of pleasure, however. They are whimpers of pain, the result of being forced to listen to Joni Mitchell and talk about the mysteries of life after smoking skunk weed out of a plastic bong adorned with a “Mean People Suck” sticker.
Tim: Quarterback Eli Manning. Eli is the golden boy of New York, Tim is the golden boy of Lolabrigada. Both are cute, personable New Jersey-ites who enjoy nothing more than a night out with close friends belting out karaoke country classics. And, like Eli, Tim has never wasted any of his time blogging. NYC superstars have better things to do!
Whew, that’s it. That wasn’t so bad, was it? Stay tuned for similar blog posts in the near future, such as “Which Member of Lolabrigada is which mid-period Yes album?”, and “Which member of Lolabrigada is which type of ritualistic Asian suicide?” Those are going to be 24K comedy gold, guaranteed.