I was looking through our “blog stats” and it turns out that someone reached our little comedy blog here by google searching “how to throw a hard punch.” I’m not sure if that’s what we’re here to teach you all, but what I can teach you is how to execute a successful panty raid.
I love a good old fashioned panty raid. There’s nothing like stepping out on an autumn day, cool breeze in your hair, a potato sack strewn over your shoulder, and a childhood dream soon to be realized. It’s a popular fantasy amongst young men to be wrist deep in panty (and, yes, for effect I will use “panty” and not “panties.”). There is actually a long standing history of panty raids. The first known panty raid, per wikipedia, took place in 1949 at Augustana College (the Fightin’ Vikes!). But, it wasn’t until the old Wolverines of Michigan made it a national phenomena for college bros to march hand-in-hand on a hunt for the most delicate of fabrics – cotton. The good old days! I imagine that there was possibly a ribbon cutting event for the start of each raid. That was until they started getting a little out of hand. Take this example, from a raid in Gueydan, Louisiana in 1954…
Man: Howdy little bopper. Mind if I come in and take your panty?
Woman: Please, help yourself.
Man: Thanks. And on my way out I will make sure to break your windows and steal anything of value along the way. Zippidy-Do!
Awful. Downright filthy.
My father’s generation managed to ruin both panty raids and free love. And for that, you only get a phone call on your birthday! But, we’re getting back on track. At least I hope so. There is really only one way to fashion a good ol’ panty raid, and if you follow me we can go through this step-by-step.
Step 1: Know your panty and drawer – Male, you’ve got mere seconds to get in and get out. Remember when your mom used to drop you off in front of the corner store and say, “you’ve got 30 seconds to run in, buy me cigarettes, and come back with $1.35 in change before I leave your father and blame you for it.” Yeah, that’s what’s going on here. Get in, and get out! Know what you’re looking for and where to find it.
Suggestion: Top drawer. A high percentage (see:100%) of all panty are in the top drawer. Remember that.
Step 2: Practice – Eat, sleep, and breath panty raid. Remember, after all, that’s how you learned to read. Make it the first and last thing you think about throughout your day. For good measure, also make it the seventh thing you think about. You know, for good measure.
Suggestion: On second thought, don’t eat panty raid.
Step 3: Do it – Don’t just talk about it, make it happen. I have this old catchy little panty raid slogan: Just Do It! Just write that novel you’ve been talking about. Just start up that t-shirt company you and your brother we’re fondling for a while. Just raid those panty, boys!
Suggestion: Please don’t sue me if you already trademarked that slogan. It’s an honest mistake.
Step 4: Be Safe – make sure to only raid your girlfriend’s, wife’s (or wives), mother’s, sister’s, or your own personal panty stash. Suspecting suspects are generally more receptive and less likely to shoot first and ask questions later.
Suggestion: Make it something you and your loved one can do together! Look, there you have next week’s date night planned out. Honey, we’re raiding your panty!
So, follow those four simple steps and you will be on your way to panty heaven. Just remember, be safe and happy hunting!