Thursdays With Jonny: Hygiene Part 1

Happy Thursday Everybody. Today, I am taking my post to an unprecedented level of seriousness. Today we are discussing HYGEINE. This emergency post was inspired by recent conversations that have led me to believe that in our affluent nation, we are having some serious issues with ass-care. Stick to my suggestions in this blog post and I guarantee you’ll see an improved quality of life immediately.

The I-phone, GPS systems, segways, spaceships….We have become a sophisticated breed indeed. Then why are 99.9 percent of us using the archaic tool known as toilet paper?

Would you use a dry wad of toilet paper to “wipe” off your arm if I were to play a practical joke and smear fresh feces all over it?

Do you think a dry wad of toilet paper rubbed over your ass will rid you of the very bacteria that has been responsible for more human deaths than war, cancer, diabetes, terrorism, falling off staircases, auto erotic aspyxiation, cocaine overdoses, lightning and aids combined?

Do you think the 1/8^th inch of kaki plus 1/16^th of cotton blend of your underpants and pants makes me feel safe when I’m pressed up against you on a crowded subway train? Did you notice it’s 92 degree today? Are you really waiting until tomorrow morning to thoroughly clean your ass? Do you have a date tonight?

Ladies and Gentleman, the answers to these dilemmas can easily be solved at your local duane reade. Head on down and help yourself to these two wonderful products, sure to fit any budget.

TUCKS medicated wipes: Correct, they claim to be made for Hemorroids and Vaginal itch, but when used after a normal movement of the bowels, they’ll make you feel as if you just visited the grandest hotel bidet in all of Europe even if you actually just diarrhead in Port Authority Bus stop.

On a budget? Try store brand baby wipes. Don’t be embarrassed, I guarantee that babies aren’t judged nearly as much for smelling like shit as you. Not quite as kingly as the tucks, but at 1/6 of the price, they get the job done.

There you have it folks, any questions or feedback can be directed my way. I’d love to hear how Jonny Thursdays have changed your life.

Next week: Powdering your balls.