As noted earlier, we’ve made a few hires around these parts. Jonny got off to a “hot” start. Now, we give you Mr. Jake Goldman. He promises to take your breath away.
Hey, jerks.
I know you are all jerks. But hey, be quiet for a second. Ok.
I host a very important comedy show every Saturday night in the City of Fuck – or whatever – and I have to open each week and get people [you, jerks] on my side so they can laugh at all the guests doing other things on stage like fisting a melon.
I spend the better part of my week writing a very hilarious intro to the show but they sometimes don’t work. Sometimes they never make it from my notebook to the stage because they are just that bad.
Each week I will present to you two complete failures of comedy writing.
There are plenty, trust.
I.
[this never made it to the show because I never finished it. I’m glad.]
[Jake turns to the crowd]
Jake: Oh, hello. Thanks for coming to my program. I’m glad you’re all here. I’ve been doing this show for 52 years. But, I wanted to talk to you about something tonight that’s been bothering me. Stupid children. Children that are just like, really, really dumb. I hate them. And Indian people—but really, I hate stupid children.
Examples:
Today on the train I saw a child eating a bagel. I said what have you got there and she said “Wagel.” Wagel? Are you fucking kidding me? A wagel? Where are these kids being raised? A prison?
AND if they are being rasied in a prison, why can’t it be in one of those low-security white-collar crime facilities. Hm? Why?
Did you know that three out of four kids think the answer to “What’s top speed you could drive in a car before breaking the sound barrier?” is “Doodies.” Only one kid responded correctly with 741 miles per hour? And who was that kid, you ask? Me. I included myself in this survey to show how correct I am.
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II.
[I actually did this intro once and they only laughed when I said words that also meant Vagina. You know, euphemisms]
JAKE: Hi audience. I’ve had bad luck with the ladies recently. I’m always getting dumped before I can do the dumping myself…recently, after a torrid two year relationship with a woman I was dumped for a shorter, balder, wealthier version of me. This enraged me. Ladies, I’m no catch but this guy looked like a fucking turtle. And not a cute turtle—he looked like one of those turtles where you’re like “That turtle HAS to have a disease.”
JAKE: In all this I’m trying to cope. One mechanism I have is convincing myself that I’m so overwhelming to the ladies that they haven’t the slightest clue what to do so they just dump me because they feel it’s too good to be true and that something bad is BOUND to happen because that’s how the universe operates. Well, good. I’m sure that is the case and tonight, for the first time ever, I am going to prove this theory. Here in my hands I have: My last ex-girlfriend’s diary. I climbed up her fire-escape last night , filled the room with gas and took the diary. And I took the dude’s wallet she was sleeping with. Let’s see how she really feels. Let’s see…how about early on in the relationship. Ah, here.
“February 19th 2006. Saw one of Jake’s shows finally. Um. He’s really bad. Like, he is terrible. He did this bit about him talking to his penis in Spanish and it was just awful. I’m going to keep it going because maybe he had an off night but WOW. I didn’t think it could get any worse than that. Also, I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of a unicorn on my pussy.”
JAKE: Welll..first impressions aren’t everything. Though, she did never come to many shows after that…let’s fast-forward…
“June 29th 2007. I sucked a guy off in the bathroom today. FINALLY. Jake never wants to be adventurous like that. I don’t really consider it cheating because, whatever, I don’t even know that guys name but holy shit, his dick tasted like berries as opposed to the old cheese Jake’s dick reeks of. I’m running out of excuses as to why I can’t blow him anymore but, DIARY, it’s awful. Two nights ago, he asked and I told him I had a hole in my palette and if any of his semen got in there it could to my brain and I would die. He cried because he thought of me dying and then I think he proposed to me while I was peeing. Why am I still in this? Oh yeah. I’m bored and he doesn’t make me feel suicidal anymore because I’m more of a man than he’ll ever be. Do you think something like a snickers bar would feel good up your butt?”
JAKE: Ha. Well, we were going through a tough time at that point…maybe there’s something in there after we broke up…about how she can’t live without me or whatever. Ah, here, a week ago.
“March 1st, 2008. This new guy is a needle dick. and by needle dick I mean his penis feels like a needle inside my vagina. I love that sensation. It’s like “WOW FINALLY I CAN FEEL AGAIN.” Oh my god, fucking Jake was like fucking a loaf of olive bread. I chose bread because it’s soft and flaky and olive bread specifically because I hate olive bread and also Jake. If he dies that would be sad but I’d probably be like “Oh well.” And then I’d yell into the other room to Alan and say “Yo, needle dick, stitch me up!!!!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH I JuST THOUGHT OF THAT. Hey, question for later but—do you think stars are REALLLY there?”
Jake.
