America Is Phat.

No! Just kidding. You are not “phat” America. I’m playing. I totally had you there for a second, didn’t I? I’m sooo mean, right? Actually, I’m not. I am just practicing for April Fools tomorrow. That was an early present if you will. Want more? Well, the funny folks at comedy juggernauts CNN.com and CareerBuilder.com came up with a list of the ten greatest work-place pranks of this past year. And, I must admit, they are much funnier than Schindler’s List.

So, how wild are you America’s Workforce? Here now are some of the “best” you had to offer…

3. All the women in office individually spoke to the president, confiding that she is pregnant. By noon, he ‘knew’ that all of his female workers were pregnant and he could not tell anyone because each asked for confidentially.

That is, in fact, awful. There are about 10 women who work in my office and if even two of them were pregnant…lookout!

Though, this prank ranks up there with the rest of those, “really bro?” type of pranks. I mean, really bro, you fell for that? “Gee, honey, it was strange, all 12 of my female employees came into my office to tell me, in private, that they were ALL pregnant. Pretty weird, huh?”

Pretty stupid. I don’t like this one, but maybe that’s because I’m not an idiot. So take that into consideration.

How about this one?

4. Called electric company, used a co-worker’s name and told them he was moving so the electricity got turned off at the co-worker’s house.

Dick move bro. At least give me a heads-up so I can save the meatloaf.

5. Filled the vending soda machine with cans of beer.

Beer me!

Why I never heard anything sooo ….sooo….sooo…infuriating! Sometimes you just want a Diet Coke.

Or…

10. Put a ‘house for sale’ ad in the newspaper regarding a co-worker’s home.

Bravo, Hamilton County Wal-Mart, Indiana. Bravo!

“Dear God … More meatballs & less spaghetti, please?”

My personal favorite April Fools Prank comes from our sponsor, Taco Bell.

Taco Bell Buys The Liberty Bell
In an effort to help the national debt, Taco Bell is
pleased to announce that we have agreed to purchase the
Liberty Bell, one of our country’s most historic treasures.
It will now be called the ”Taco Liberty Bell” and will
still be accessible to the American public for viewing.
While some may find this controversial, we hope our
move will prompt other corporations to take similar action
to do their part to reduce the country’s debt.

Later Weird Al would go on to write a song about it called “Taco Libert-eenage Waste Land Bell.” Sweet.

Here’s a Suggestion: Go Green!

.el sway

Hey…There…Lonely Girl.

It’s cold out tonight, baby, isn’t it? Thank god you’ve got me to keep you warm.

Is your mother coming for dinner tomorrow night? … Oh, wait, that’s for this guy to ask…

Now if only there was a penis pillow to keep her insides warm.

I stand corrected.

Mustache pillow?

Ok, that’s a reach.

Lap pillow?

You mother f’er! Don’t tell me….

Douche Pillow! You’ve thought of everything.

With nothing left to add, I leave you with an oh so very adorable moment.

Pillow hat too heavy indeed.

[tip of the brim to mighty Jake Goldman]

.el sway

Paco At The Movies.

In case you were wondering whether or not to go see Drillbit Taylor this weekend, well, this should help make your decision a little easier.

Got it. Um. It’s not as funny as Superbad. Um. Sugar is sweet. Got it.

The cliffhanger ending was, um, sweet.

Ajax?

Aht a boy!

Ok, slow day around these parts. To enjoy…

Lenny Dykstra, Like His Father, Is Reckless in Good Way.

I Ain’t Mad Atcha.

Go Mumba River, Go!

Keene on Wade.

Enjoy.

.el sway

Lolabrigada Presents: The American League, 2008

So much has been made already about the Baseball season opening in Japan. We here at Lolabrigada.com happen to be baseball fans ourselves. Well, at least a few of us are. Some of us work for MLB.com, others work for Verizon. So, we do feel like we have the knowledge and firepower to write a coherent 2008 Baseball Season Preview. Today, we present, the American League.

While we were all tucked ever so gently into our 1500 thread count diamond studded sheets, the American League opened up its season this past Tuesday morning in Japan (Awk-waard!). But that’s not the even the biggest storyline the American League has to offer. Let’s take a look at a few of the stories surrounding the American League, friends!

Ichiroll. What could possibly be a bigger story in the American League, you ask. The “Ichiroll,” I calmly answer. Yes, the sushi roll which was appropriately named after the Seattle Mariner right fielder who goes by one name and one name only, Madonna Cher Yao Steve Ichiro. This sushi role is essentially a spicy tuna roll. It replaced the ‘Jack Cust Crust’ as the most retarded popular food item named after a player. When asked to comment on the Ichiroll, Diane McLellan added..

Prediction: Look for the ‘Ice Cream Chone Figgins‘ and the ‘Nick Mar-Birthday-Kakis‘ to be popular treats this year.

Fun Facts

Guitar Hero. In the 2006 playoffs, Detroit Tiger pitcher Joel Zumaya hurt his wrist and forearm playing the video game Guitar Hero II. How is MLB making sure that Guitar Hero injuries like this will not happen again?

Fantasy Baseball. This guy…

said that this guy….

tried to bang his wife. The only guy’s wife that either of them have banged is this guy’s.

Papelboner. Here is how the Urban Dictionary explains why Red Sox fans pee-dongs inexplicably moved.

1. n. The insanely large erection you get when Jonathan Papelbon comes into the game with a 1 run lead in the 9th inning.

Other teams may like these suggestions:

• Jeterction (Derek Jeter – Yankees)
• B.J. Upton (works on it’s own… B.J. Upton – Tampa Bay Rays)
• Halfner (the dude either hits a homerun or strikes out… Travis Hafner – Indians)
• Carbona (a reach. Fausto Carmona – Indians)
• Bedard-On (Erik Bedard – Mariners)

Devils. The Devil went down to Tamp Bay and was asked kindly to return from where he came. Why? Political Correctness! Yay! Owner Sternberg cites that the name Rays is pretty darn good enough because it represents “a beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida.” This guy is pissed…

So are all the “twins” across America who kindly asked the Minnesota Twins to remove the name “Twins” from their name, leaving the team with the name “Minnesota .”

Just a few storylines to follow this season as baseball starts to take flight again, for real, on March 31st. I’m sure from time-to-time we will be writing on specific baseball topics. I mean, afterall, it is America’s pastime.

Play ball!

.elsway

New Shirt! So Let’s Drop the ‘Big One’ Now…

Hey Look! A new shirt!

.el sway

Weird Al Haikukovic, Vol. 3

Because when I start something, I finish it.

Volume 1 of this highly acclaimed series is here. Vol. 2, meanwhile, is right here.

Today, I will review Weird Al’s 7th, 8th, and 9th albums in haiku-form. Because I have to.

Off the Deep End (1991)

Pop Music, reborn/Weird Al is reborn as well/he parodies grunge

Alapalooza (1993)

A disappointment/and not just “Bedrock Anthem”/whole damn thing, really

Bad Hair Day (1996)

Didn’t play this much/But I’ve a younger brother/who really loved it

In our next installment: Running With Scissors, Poodle Hat, and Straight Outta Lynwood

If anyone has anything to say about Weird Al (anything at “al”), then please leave a comment. It would do my heart good to hear from a fellow traveler.

And, since I feel obligated to type more about Weird Al, I will close by saying that my friend Ted and I used to act out the “spoken word” section of “Gotta Boogie” (the second song on Al’s self-titled debut). You know, the part that goes:

Weird Al: You wanna boogie?

Female #1: No, man, I don’t want a boogie.

Weird Al: You wanna boogie?

Female #2: Get that boogie outta my face.

Weird Al: Well do you want a boogie?

Assembled multitudes: NO!!!

Weird Al: Well, I guess I’ll haveta haveta haveta to live with it.

Delegated Discourse: Steve Session

From time to time we like to provide proper space for our friends and favorite comics to yuck it up a little with our loyal readers. This week we give you the comedic styling of stand-up virtuoso and member of the dynamic comedy duo, Phenomomom, Mr. Steve Marcarelli. His words, after this period.

Nostradamus Predicts Lost Spoilers!!!

Both the academic and television blogospheres were rocked earlier last week when it was discovered that many of Nostradamus’s predictions may have been referencing popular ABC television series Lost. The discoveries were made when Frank Peltzer, a noted Nostradamus scholar “finally caved in” and started watching the hit series Lost on DVD.

“My friend Harry kept telling me ’Ya gotta watch Lost, ya gotta watch Lost’ and I was finally like ’Okay jeez fine let me borrow your dvds already’” said Peltzer. “It wasn’t until about five episodes in when something struck me as really familiar.” Peltzer started leafing through his copy of Nostradamus’s 1555 book Le Propheties when he came across a quote that struck an eerie chord deep within him:

To near the Lake of Geneva will it be conducted,
By the foreign maiden wishing to betray the city:
Before its murder at Augsburg the great suite,
The convict on the crashed flying machine is Kate

Peltzer explained that he always thought that particular quatrain was just one of those vague predictions that Nostradamus made that are impossible to prove one way or another. “There are a lot of them like that in there. We usually just write them off, but there it is, clear as day. I always thought maybe that line had to do with Russia’s Catherine The Great or someone like that, but was never able to make sense of it.”

As he continued to watch the show on DVD, he made even more shocking connections to the work of Nostradamus. For example:

The great Royal one of gold, augmented by brass,
The agreement broken, war opened by a young man:
People afflicted because of a lamented chief,
Pirates with fake beards will steal young Walt

And also:

Through the Attic land fountain of wisdom,
At present the rose of the world:
The bridge ruined, and its great pre-eminence
Hurley’s crazy.

“Now the one about Hurley kind of pissed me off, because I hadn’t even gotten to that flashback yet” said Peltzer, clearly upset. “I mean Nostradmus could have at least prefaced Le Propheties with a warning saying that this book contains spoilers for a TV show that won’t come out for another 500 years. Come on!”

Peltzer’s colleague and fellow Lost enthusiast Marshall Nicholson expressed similar shock. “I’d never even realized it before until Frank pointed it out to me. It really is shocking how many of his predictions came true.”

How a French philosopher from the 16th century would be able to predict plot twists in a 21st century television series remains unknown. “He predicted it all. He knew Sun spoke English. He knew Kate and Sawyer would get stuck in a polar bear cage. He knew there would be a boat and on that boat would be Michael and ’Number 5’s friend from Short Circuit”. Nicholson clenched his fist and slammed it down on the table. “Dammit, how did I not see that coming!.”

Peltzer, currently halfway through season three, can barely bring himself to continue watching the series because he already knows too much. “Nostradamus warned us ’not to get too attached to Charlie.’ What happens to Charlie? Tell me! What happens to Charlie???” he pleaded, near tears.

But what lies ahead for the future of Lost? Are we able to look to these writings and tell what happens? Nicholson points us to a telling passage from one of Nostradamus’s Almanac writings from 1563.

The great Empire will soon be desolated
And transferred to near the Ardennes:
The two bastards beheaded by the oldest one,
Ben is not as he seems

“Well, no shit Sherlock”, shouted Nicholson. “You can’t give us more details than that? Does that refer to when Locke had him in the cell? Or does it mean that even now, in the fourth season, we still don’t know everything about Ben? What if he is a good guy afterall? I mean, Nostradamus was right about Snape.”

Nicholson continues, “I’ve reread every single last word that he has written and there is not a single reference to who is in the coffin. It’s Sawyer. It has to be, right?”

Perhaps most telling of all is Nostradamus’s final line to his final prediction, made mere hours before his passing in 1566:

Those who will have undertaken to subvert,
An unparalleled realm, powerful and invincible:
They will act through deceit, nights three to warn,
They are all in a giant snow globe

“That one had better not fucking be a reference to Lost or I’m going to lose my shit”, Nicholson screamed.

 

Need we say more?

You’re Welcome. 

-jazz

Mexican Candy Review

Astute readers of this esteemed comedy blog may remember that I (Ben) went on vacation to California last month. You would remember this because it meant that you, the reader, had to go a whole week with only the disconnected comedic stylings of Mr. Tom Lorenzo to sustain you.

I wouldn’t subject you to such an indignity unless my absence was entirely necessary. And, in this case, it was. For when I went on vacation I did important research in the field of Mexican candy and convenience store snacks. As a result of my studies, I have come to believe that Mexican candy and convenience store snacks are superior to their American equivalents in every way (except the dangerously high lead content). I now will comment on a few of the Mexican candy specimens I found during my travels in southern and central California.

Exhibit 1: Mango-flavored Chilibonchas Hard Candy

Mild by Mexican candy standards, these rough-edged oblong beauties tasted like typical fruit-flavored hard candies until one reached the pungent chile-flavored middle. If one sucks on a few of these consecutively, he or she will find that their tongue has lost much of its sensitivity to the nuances of texture and flavor. Or, at least that’s what happened to me.

Exhibit 2: Pica Limon

This stuff was rough, bro! Pica Lemon — which cost me 25 cents at a gas station outside of Joshua Tree National Park — is a small packet of lemon-flavored salt. It tasted like Kool Aid before you add the sugar, and resulted in an involuntary “bitter beer face”-type facial expression. More, please!

Exhibit 3: Candy Fiesta-Brand Habas Enchiladas

These were flat-out great: dried Lima and Haba beans coated with a sticky, spicy-sweet chili seasoning. I ate these compulsively while driving a rental car, and got the steering wheel all sticky. When I returned the car, the guy at Avis was like “What happened to the steering wheel?”, and I was like “Habas Enchiladas, dude!” Upon hearing that, he smiled and gave me a fist bump.

Exhibit 4: Elotitos X-Treme

Outside of the lame “X-Treme” in the product name, I have no criticism of these corn-shaped chile-flavored lollipops. An excellent mixture of spiciness and sweetness that is totally foreign to the American candy connoisseur.

note: When I typed Elotitos X-Treme into Google images, this picture came up. I presume that this is because Jesus is up there on the cross enjoying an Elotitos X-treme.

Exhibit 5: Rockaleta

Upon seeing these individually wrapped lollipops, I was totally psyched. Just check out the product description: “Lollipop with 4 chile layers and mango artifically flavored gum center.” However, after just a short time in my mouth, the Rockaleta simply disintegrated into a microscopic piece of gum. I was unable to enjoy the subtle taste nuances as one layer gave way to another. Some information on the back of the package goes a long way toward explaining my disappointment: “Manufactured for Frito-Lay”. Those jerks just can’t be trusted. Hey guys — stay out of the Mexican Candy business!

note — at the same convenience store that I bought the Rockaleta, I also got a bag of tiny dried shrimp that came with its own packet of hot sauce. These were excellent, but I have since lost the wrapper and cannot report on them formally. One thing I can tell you for sure is that they were not manufactured for Frito-Lay.

Exhibit 6: Lucas Bom Vaso

This was my favorite! A sweet lollipop that could be repeatedly dipped, Lik-M-Aid-style, in a small plastic container of chili powder. I only bought one of these, and oh how I wish I had bought more. Lucas Bom Vaso’s are a singular taste sensation.

Exhibit 7: Limonazo

This was similar to Pica Limon, but came in a circular plastic container and contained 10x more powdered goodness. Being much more salty than sweet, it caused an immediate mouth-puckering reaction. The label (which features a flexing lime) boasts about “Vitamina C”, but if you’re getting your supply of Vitamin C through a product such as this then you have some serious problems. The guy at the gas station I bought this at told me that people put this stuff on the rim of their beer glasses, and I can totally see that. I mean, why use an actual lime? I ended up carrying this stuff around in my pocket for about a week, occassionally pouring out a small dose into the palm of my hand, and then licking my hand. I pretended it was a drug that gave me superhuman strength, a fantasy that was always dashed as soon as I tried to test my newfound abilites. On one particularly embarassing occasion, I couldn’t even pick up two hardcover dictionaries for an old lady at Barnes and Noble.

This concludes my report on Mexican candy and convenience store snacks. Thank you for taking the time to let me educate you on such an important and oft-neglected topic.

Shshshirt!

.el sway