This Station is Non-Operational.

I just wanted to pass this along to show that I/We, indeed, do have a heart. A collective heart. This was sent along to me by my best half and seems like fine idea. It’s a web-site called FreeRice.com. I just recently heard about it and it’s quite possible I missed the boat on this one, so bear with me (Rawr!). Here’s what they do:

FreeRice has two goals:

1. Provide English vocabulary to everyone for free.
2. Help end world hunger by providing rice to hungry people for free.

There you have it! How do they do that, you ask? Well, they play a little vocabulary game with you and for every question you get correct they donate 20 grains of rice to help end world hunger. For everyone you get wrong they kill a hungry man (toats J/K). I like, wait, love this idea. All I have to do is get a few vocab words right and someone’s eating, on me. The problem? You have to answer vocabulary words correctly! Still, I managed to fill a rice bowl and I’ll certainly try my best to fill a bowl daily (Grow up!).

I always thought that I could be a humanitarian and give back to those in need. Though, I also always knew that Ben was doing enough good deeds for the both of us. I wouldn’t want to fuck it all up, so I sat back and watched. But, now? It’s on!

I too will donate. Yes, for every person who comments on this site, I will triple, NO, double (!) my rice output. I will take on 100 grains of rice for each commenter. That’s right, I don’t have to do something like this. But I am sick of Ben having a “little brother.” I am sick of Ben picking a Christmas wish-list from a Church in Harlem and buying a gift from it. I am sick of Ben spending the afternoon with single mothers in Brooklyn painting their houses and trying to “help” them with their self-esteem. It’s my turn to start doing things for the recognition. My mission? Rice! So, comment away. If you don’t, you’re only adding to the hunger problems in the world.

Just look at those hungry kids….

.el sway

Peeyoo Year’s Resolutions.

Today a woman in my office told me (as casually as you might share your favorite sports anecdote ) that she uses the bathroom in the lotus position.

Wow. I KNOW, right?!?! This lady shits Indian style! That’s hilarious!

I laughed. She did not. She, in fact, was so confident with her powder room posture that she actually made me question my own. For years, I’ve been sitting in the same standard position go after go. Was I missing out on something fun? If there is one thing I refuse to miss out on, it’s having a good time. Just ask my best friends; drunken mistake and water bong.

So, I decided to try it. After work today, I marched into the bathroom enthusiastic about the prospect of having fun in a place where I thought there was none to be had! I was expanding my “fun parameters” (which was one of my new years resolutions) while also expanding my mind through meditation! Plus, I was also saving time by peeing while I meditate (my other resolution: doing stuff while I pee to save time) . Genius!

Ben’s Book Club, Vol. 3: Fleet Walker’s Divided Heart

Welcome to the first non-Jack London related edition of Ben’s Book Club. Today’s selection is something that my Minor League alter-ego had to read as part of a work assignment: David Zang’s biography of 19th century ballplayer Moses Fleetwood Walker.

Now, those who know me are aware that I could write many thousands of words on subjects such as 19th-century ballplayers. However, I realize that this is a comedy blog, and not the place for erudite and overly-wordy discussion on our National Pastime and how it has always served as a microcosm of American society. If I did that, Jenn’s friends would stop reading this blog entirely.

“Boring!”, they’d say between bong hits and slugs of cheap red wine.

But it’s not boring, Jenn’s friends. It’s fascinating. And, in particular, Moses Fleetwood Walker was about as fascinating as a person could be. In order to illustrate this, let me once again revert to quiz form.

All of the following statements about Moses Fleetwood Walker are true except one. Choose the false statement:

a. He murdered a man in a bar fight, but was acquitted by a sympathetic jury.

b. He was the first black player in the history of the Major Leagues.

c. He was at various points, the proprietor of a hotel, restaurant, and movie theater.

d. He ran for the Ohio Senate as a member of the Republican party.

e. He was a racial theorist who wrote pamphlets advocating that Black Americans re-locate to Africa

The answer is, of course, one click away