lolabrigada

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.  You know what that means?

Time to shoot fireworks off your dick.

God Bless America.

. el sway

As always, here is your Thursday skipper, Jonny.

Happy Thursday Sports Fans!!! This being the eve of our countries anniversary of independence, I want to wish everyone a happy one and take some time out to celebrate three American ideals that make our nation truly the greatest on earth. Liberties that even George Bush and myself can see entirely eye to eye on.

BASEBALL!! BEING SAFELY ALLOWED TO BE OF JEWISH ETHNICITY!! FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

Please don’t take these seemingly basic freedoms for granted, we are only one of two countries in the world that can enjoy all three of these things simultaneously! God Bless the USA !!!.

I stumbled upon this article while checking some baseball scores out on Yahoo. As a Jew, fan of baseball and lover of free speech (and comedy), this article and ensuing comments really hit a metaphorical home run for me. Below is a Yahoo article on Major League Baseballs 159^th Jewish player!!!! Beyond the content of the article, I pasted the 10 best comments posted about the article. Gotta love the freedom to say whatever you want and thanks to the internet, wherever you want…

Frisco’s ‘Rabbi’ wants to be known for more than religion

According to Baseball Almanac, Brian Horwitz is the 159th Jewish player to make the majors and is known by his teammates as “Rabbi.” Though he embraces mail he receives from Jewish fans and laughs about his nickname, the Giants’ reserve outfielder wants to distinguish himself by more than his religion.

“Being Jewish is what makes me unique on this team,” he said. “I understand it’s rare, but I’m a baseball player who just happens to be Jewish. Hopefully, I’ll eventually do something on the field that sets me apart.”

Horwitz hasn’t wasted any time making his name as a hitter, hitting two home runs in his first 13 major-league at-bats. Since being called up from Triple-A Fresno on May 30, he’s 7-for-24 (.292). In 425 minor-league games, Horwitz compiled a .319 average, winning batting titles in the Northwest League in 2004 and in the South Atlantic League in 2005. Baseball America dubbed him as the player with the best strike-zone discipline in the Giants’ organization, so his immediate success hasn’t surprised him.

“I know I can hit. I know if I get enough at-bats, if I get 100 at-bats, I’m going to put 30 hits out there,” he said. “If I don’t, I expect more of myself. I know what I’ve done, and I know what I can do. I know the pitchers are better, but it’s still baseball.”

Here is a digest of the best comments left by readers responding to the article.

10)Oi

9) i don’t care if he’s a jew to be honest but the red sox don’t want any jews on their team, go boston!

did the jews invent bagels? if so, then they’ve done one good thing for the world.

7) “a jew invented the cure for polio”

6) that’s not true. i think it was a filipino guy. maybe “they” stole his invention.

5) Give me a schtickle of flouride.

4) since borat is jewish then that’s even a bigger case of self-loathing than the imposters on these message boards.

3) well this went from trying to help a young player from the Giants, into a religious war, the big problem is Horwitz is on borrowed time, as soon as Dave Roberts comes off the DL hes back in Fresno.

2) I like Jews, especially the broads, they give great head and enjoy giving it!!

1) Hi everyone! Thanks for celebrating Baseball, Free Speech and being Jewish! Come see yourselves at www.lolabrigada.com Happy Fourth of July !! Your All Famous Now!

Love,

Jonny

Thanks for celebrating Baseball, Free Speech and being Jewish! (and Dave Roberts) Happy Fourth of July. See ya next week,

Love Jonny

Check it out!

LONDON, England (CNN) — Britain’s Prince Charles has converted his 38-year-old Aston Martin to run on biofuel made from surplus wine, his office revealed Tuesday.

Prince Charles has gone Blanc!

Can he do that?

The car was a 21st birthday present from Queen Elizabeth, and the prince has converted it to run on 100 percent bioethanol as a way to reduce his carbon emissions, his office, Clarence House, said.

Man that is for real.

If I had a car I would not want it to run on wine.  I’ve seen those commercials where cars run on alcoholic beverages and it does not look pretty.

These teens know what I’m talking about!

Yikes!

Charles, 59, has a strong interest in environmental issues and rural affairs. He is active in environmental charities, and his food company, Duchy Originals, uses ingredients produced at his organic farm in Cornwall, southwestern England.

Wait, Duchy Originals?

Got it.

Well, I am sure I can add a joke in here about not taking advice on driving or fueling my car from teh Royal Family, but instead I will just get fueling advice from this Prince.

That bitch is fueled by Purple Rain… and STDs.

.el sway

Again, We would like you now to turn your attention to Mr. Jake Goldman as he takes you through your Tuesday afternoon.

Elongated Dream Sequence in which I seek revenge upon everyone

Note: all time is in dream time

6:06am: Dream-Alarm-Clock goes off and all seven of my ex-girlfriends are standing next to my bed. The three that cheated on me have no arms. They start singing off-key. I film it and put it on the internet and then shoot them all with paintball guns and then call all their bosses, convincing them they each cost the company millions.

6:12am: Tell girls I will get them their jobs back if they shower with me. Lead them into the shower and every porn star ever is inside getting tattoos of “Jake” on their lower back. Ex-girlfriend’s cry, porn stars laugh, I have sex everywhere.

634:14am: All of a sudden I am on a cliff and can fly

6:21am: Fly into old Professor’s house who had said “You? A writer? No.” My eyes shoot laserbeams into pictures of all of her children. Her children run out of their rooms crying and then turn into very sad eagles. Make professor walk outside with a blindfold on into traffic. Don’t stick around to see what happens.

8:15am: Day one of production begins on “Hey, Jake- You’re Great” TV show where I make nurses bathe me on live tv. Entire audience is made up of people who have ever looked at me weird. They are chained to the chairs and bleeding a lot. Haha, ha! Right.

91:07am: All of a sudden I am driving a car with my feet and Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals are playing songs the back seat. The car takes off and I land on the moon

9:09am: Every president of the United States of America is standing on the moon. All are holding signs that say “We’ve been waiting for you.” First ever football coach is also there with a saddle on his back. He begs me to ride him but I kick him with my moon foot and he flies into the atmosphere and bursts into flames. Teddy Roosevelt slaps me on the back and pours whiskey in my throat. We all laugh and get blow jobs for two days.

10:15am: Breakfast with Robert Deniro inside a whale

11:15am: Emmy / Grammy / Academy Awards ceremony. I win every award. The other nominees are anyone that’s given me the stink eye and all my gym teachers.

1:07pm: I pour a bunch of bees on that girl who peed on my powerwheels and shorted out the battery.

2:11pm: Finish laughing at pee girl.

3:11pm: Go back to parking lot where I poured bees on the pee girl

3:45pm: Haha

4:01pm: In a spaceship where everything is made of candy

701pm: That girl who dumped me the night before prom is my waitress at the Gravy Train, the diner I also own. I order the Revenge Platter. She says “please no,” I say “please yes,” and press a giant button on my table. She gets covered in fluffernutter and birds attack her and then she gets sucked into a tube which puts her on the Maury Povich Show where the topic is “Man, this girl is hideous” and she cries and everyone laughs and they are wearing shirts with my face on it.

10:31pm: I can’t believe that girl got bees on her. Even if it was a dream

Jake G.

So, this is the news, people….

Lolabrigada — the sketch group — has decided to call it quits.  Plain and simple.  We had a good run and enjoyed all the friends we’ve made a long the way.  Thanks to all!

*not us pictured above.

The good news?  The web-site will live on!  Oh joy!  Tom, with the help of Tuesday Jake, Wednesday Steve, Thursday Jon, and Someday Ben will be posting here daily.  Some more special people have asked to post, so that should be fun…

As for the individuals…

Ben can be found here.

Jenn can be seen here.

Tim can be seen here.

And Tom can be read here and seen here.

Thanks again to everyone for their support and love over the past three years!

Dramatic!

.el sway

Yeah, gas prices such.  Right?  Check this out - now gas really sucks!

RENO, Nevada (AP) — Rising fuel prices are putting a pinch on the world’s oldest profession.

Nevada brothels that cater to long-haul truckers are offering gas cards and other promotions after seeing business decline as much as 25 percent from a year ago, industry officials said.

How nice.

The President of the Nevada Brothel’s Owners Association said that business is down 19% at his two “Donna” themed Brothels in Reno.

The reason for the gas cards?

Nevada Brothel Owners’ Association, said truckers account for up to 75 percent of business

The other 25% is made up of these guys.

Here;s an example of what is being offered:

In response to a 5 percent drop in business, the Shady Lady Ranch along U.S. 95 about 150 miles north of Las Vegas plans to offer $50 gas cards to clients who spend $300 and $100 gas cards to those who spend $500.

Truck drivers are stoked!

And how does this effect the Government and those stimulus checks we all received?

Under a promotion under way at the Moonlite BunnyRanch near Carson City, the first 100 customers who arrive with government stimulus checks receive twice the services for the same regular price.

That’s exactly what those checks are for.  To stimulate the body AND the economy.

So if we’ve learned one thing today, it’s that the government doesn’t care much for truck drivers who pay for sex…  Truck divers who pay for sex are as American than apple pie…  Apple pie is the most American thing… The Government hates America… Ya follow?

.el sway

DILEMMA:
I Want to Try a Nude Beach, Just Once
SOLUTION: Take it all off during Nude Recreation Week (July 7 to 12), when first-time naturists are encouraged to skip boring old “textile” beaches in favor of clothing-optional ones like Gunnison Beach in Sandy Hook, New Jersey (see “Get Wet,” here). The largest nudist beach on the East Coast draws nearly 5,000 during hot weekends. Board the appropriately named SeaStreak Ferry from Pier 11 in Manhattan and you’ll be on the sand (well, your towel) in less than an hour. Remember naturist etiquette: Leave the camera at home; lay a towel before sitting down; and keep your gaze at eye level when chatting with your fellow unclothed. 800-262-8743 or seastreak.com.

Better late than never.  It was my fault, so I cannot blame Jake.  Or can I?  Here now is your moment of Jake.

Once, I worked a job where the only thing I did was sort mail for people with egos and then deliver it to them by hand because they couldn’t ever leave their giant important-looking phones because probably Senators and World leaders were always calling saying “You don’t play my favorite music video on this Music TV television station!” Yes, it was for a TV station.

A lot of the times these people with a lot of hair gel in their hair would try and banter with me when I delivered mail. It usually had to do with the mail. Clearly because I deliver mail it was the only thing I wanted to talk about so they had me pegged. Once I got tired of carrying a lot of my in my arms so I convinced the secretary to order me a mail cart. She caved in because I bought her all these junior mints and told her that I knew Lil’ Wayne and someday she could meet him. When I got the mail cart, the rhino faces (senior VP’s) had some really great, new conversation points. Here’s a sampling of what they said to me with my responses in italics. I never actually said these things but really wish I did because the company went under anyway.

“Check out those wheels!”

Yes, they really are wheels. Can you believe it? Can you believe they can put wheels on many things? How about I put some wheels on your vagina?

“Fancy.”

Oh, totally—when I think fancy, I think of a fucking aluminum mail cart. This thing got me reservations at that crazy French restaurant where Guy Ritchie eats can you believe it. Shove this mail up your pussy.

“Oh yeah!  We got a mail cart!”

We did! Do you know what else we got? My perpetual state of misery. That’s a pretty cool addition.

“Careful, don’t want to get a speeding ticket.”

Ha, ha! I know! Because I already raped that girl! So this would only ADD to my impending sentence, LOL!

“Can I get in?”

Yeah, that would be great. Can I dig out your eyeballs with spoons?

“What kind of mileage does that thing get?”

Good question! Why don’t you stand against that wall and I will repeatedly ram it against your body until you are unconscious. We can use that number as a measurement.

“Sure makes your job easier.”

My job would be easier if you were dead.

“Beep-Beep. Here comes the mail cart!”

That is so funny I hope you make that announcement every single day because I bet it will get better each time. Also, try some different accents. Also, can you sit on this knife I have in my pocket?

“Whoa!  Go Speed-Racer, Go!”

That is so cool using a quote from a TV show. I hope tomorrow when I wear glasses and a blonde wig you’ll be like “Party-Time, Excellent!” Because then I will take that very serious and party all over your face and play my favorite game which is called “I fucking bruise your entire face.” Does this sound good? Hey! You got your Netflix pretty early this week!

“You can fit a lot more mail in that than you could fit in your arms.”

Yes…?

-Jake

So, not to turn this into an NBA Draft web-site or anything, but I just wanted to note that I will be making an appearance on The Score, Wisconsin’s Sports Talk Radio station Thursday morning talking about the Draft.

I’m going on at 11:30 EST. Right after Mr. Dan Patrick. Excuuuuuse meeee.

You should totally listen. I think you can listen on-line. I’m sure I’ll post a copy of it if you can’t.

Yay Draft!

.el sway

A few weeks ago we linked to this HUGE news story about a lost tribe in the Amazon.   Well, guess what?  It was all a hoax!  Awesome!

I feel like my journalistic cutting and pasting integrity has taken a bit of a hit.  I apologize for not fact checking this story.

The story was made up by photographer Jose Carlos Meirelles.  Why did he make up the story?

To draw attention to the threat of logging.  What is logging?  Well our friends over at UrbanDictionary.com define it as:

When Russian ladies feel lonely, they do a massive shite, freeze it and at times of need, use it as a dildo, according to Manchipp.

Really?  That’s what you wanted to draw attention to?

Apparently this Tribe was discovered well over 100 years ago.  Nice.  Real nice.  Are you happy about this, Meirelles?

‘When I saw them painted red, I was satisfied, I was happy,’ he said.

Of course.  We were all pretty stoked about that.   In fact, I want to see that again!

Yeah!  It was well worth the lie.  I promise never to log again.

.el sway